Desperate
by CapitalCheese
Summary: Kylo Ren and Rey face each other again, but it goes differently than either could have imagined. Shortish/Smuttyish drabble. Probably will have a part 2.


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. But if I did, Kylo Ren kinda owns me now, so I think turnabouts fair play.

 **Author's Note:** Haven't wrote fanfiction in a really long time, so be gentle with me.

As far as this story is concerned, Kylo Ren and Rey are NOT cousins. I'm fond of the idea that she is a Kenobi, but I am also fond of the idea that she is no one.

* * *

 **Desperate**

It happens sometime after their first lightsaber duel.

The timeline is a bit fuzzy for Rey. They'd had small skirmishes in the time between, catching fleeting moments of the other as they chased each other across the galaxy – always in each other's periphery, but never in full view.

Until now, at least.

So much had happened to both of them in the time between their first confrontations that it could have just as easily been two strangers trading blows out on the desert planet they had now found themselves alone on.

She knew she had certainly changed.

No longer the cautious girl unsure of exactly who or what she was waiting for in the wasteland dunes of Jakku. Her time with Master Skywalker had molded her in the light, and, though she may still be a bit rough around the edges, she knew her mind and journey in a way that gave her the calmness she had lacked before… or at least so she had believed.

Funny how he keeps surprising her. Turning her around even on herself.

He had changed too.

Apparently, she hadn't been the only one to go through rigorous training in the time after their first duel.

His Force signature was darker, more concentrated than she remembered… he was so much more centered now. A fixated man instead of an angry boy.

And as their lightsabers clashed back and forth, a terrible feeling began to come over Rey.

 _He's going to win._

He was so unrelenting, stronger than she remembered, fiercer… there was no waiver in his step, no doubt or temperance in his blows… he didn't ever speak to her… _He's like a machine._

Rey found herself wishing she was still fighting the confused boy on Starkiller; the injured one who had just killed his own father and was begging her to join him as his apprentice.

There was no begging now.

A twinge of disappointment went through her that she promised herself had everything to do with the battle she was losing now… and nothing to do with the strange feelings the dark haired boy had awoken in her during their last battle.

 _Liar._ She chided herself as she rolled away from the downward strike of his crackling saber.

That boy that she had faced what felt like ions ago - with his anger, and his darkness, and his overwhelming loneliness - had affected her in a way that she could scarcely understand herself, much less voice aloud to anyone.

It was childish of her to think that she could change, but he would not.

And now, as Kylo Ren gained the upper hand, skillfully disarming her before landing a kick to the center of her chest that sent her rolling down a dune, she began to realize how much she had held out a strange hope that perhaps the lightside still called to him enough that beating him would be easy.

 _Foolish girl._ She didn't know if that was her voice in her head or his. Either way they were right.

When she finally came to a rolling halt at the bottom of what she could only assume to have been the largest dune to have ever existed, her face was buried in sand. She attempted to push herself back up, but a heavily booted foot planted on her back and pushed her back down.

"No." He said. His helmeted voice always had a way of sounding like a command to her.

 _It is a command._ That was definitely his voice in her head now. His true voice though… the gentle one. The one that made everything sound like a plea.

She felt a strange ache in her chest when she heard it and, as the darkness of oblivion consumed her, she wondered why everything had to be so damn complicated.

* * *

She awoke in a familiar metal chair and she vaguely wondered if she was doomed to make the same mistakes over and over.

"Perhaps we all are."

His voice, his true voice, made her snap to attention.

He sat across from her, as before, but slightly hunched over, forearms bracing his immense form against too-long legs while his ungloved hands dangled lazily between his knees.

His mask sat beside him on the bench, and Rey was once more forced to look upon the face of Kylo Ren.

Dark curls framed his face as they had before, perhaps slightly more unkempt, giving him a softness that she hated having to associate with him. But, aside from the basic similarities, the man before her bore very little resemblance to the boy who had strapped her to this same chair what felt like forever ago.

She noted with a small amount of smug satisfaction that he had a thin pink scar across his face from the last time they had met. It did nothing to rob him of his frank attractiveness. In fact, she could even argue that perhaps it made his boyish face more rugged and dimensional. _It actually suits him, damnit._

The biggest difference though, was in his eyes. She stared into those deep pools of penetrating brown and immediately was overcome with a sadness she could have drowned in.

He was a tortured boy once… but now all that sat before her was a menacing man. Haunted, yes, as evident by the dark circles surrounding his intense gaze, but still – his focus was clear, he held no more confusion as to what side he belonged on.

Her thoughts immediately went to General Leia, a mother still so hopeful that her son could be saved despite everything he'd done. Rey closed her eyes and bowed her head. _I'm so sorry General…_

"Your thoughts go to my mother," Kylo says, almost amused, "by now you see that there is no going back for me. You pity her…"

"Don't call her _mother_ ," Rey spat with venom, straining against the restraints that held her in place, "you haven't the right!"

He smirked, but his eyes held no amusement, "You've come to think of her as your own." There was no question in his voice and she knew from the familiar tingling that he was reaching out and feeling her mind through the Force. "First Han Solo, now General Organa… tell me, are you trying to fill the void you imagine I left behind?' He stood up and walked a stride toward her, his long legs closing the distance between them faster than she felt should be natural. "Or is it you, _scavenger_ , that is picking up my scraps to fill your own void?"

She bared her teeth, "Or perhaps, after having such a _disappointing_ son, they were all too happy to latch on to this _scavenger_." She seethed at him.

She felt the room change in an instant. The anger radiating off of him was volatile and consuming. For an instant she felt fear, but then she remembered that the last time she had felt him so unstable had been on Starkiller, and fear quickly turned to hope. _I've struck a nerve._

Master Skywalker had said that the boy he had trained had always been self-loathing. Never good enough in his own eyes. Always trying to live up to the reputation as the son of heroes. Never feeling like he could.

His fist slammed into the wall next to her, creating a dent in the metal. Rey jumped despite herself.

"You are NO ONE, desert rat," his own voice betraying none of his private beliefs on the matter.

"Then why have you brought me here, Ren?" She demanded, "Why not just kill me when you had the chance?"

"My Master wants you brought before him," he stated. "I am to deliver you personally."

She scoffed, "You cannot turn me. I am stronger than you." _You are weaker than me._ She pushed the thought at him through their connection, knowing that she'd surely get a reaction.

And for a moment she did. She could see the heat flash across his eyes… but he was stronger now, and the heat quickly dissipated.

In a moment, she saw the twitch of a grin turn at the corners of his full lips, "You're actually trying to get a rise out of me." He said it in such a way that she didn't have to read him to know how much he was enjoying this little turn of events. "Are you hoping that I'll make some error in anger and you will find your chance to escape?" This time he truly was questioning her, unable to read her motives.

She didn't answer him, putting all her effort into trying to conceal her mind from his continued probing.

He reached up a hand and pushed himself farther into her thoughts. He had grown so much stronger since the last time she struggled against his mind, and though her power had grown considerably too, she still felt herself grunt and strain against him.

" _No_ ," he said breathlessly, his voice barely above a whisper and he pulled immediately out of her mind.

She took a deep breath in, shoulders slumping down as he left her. _Sithspit._

She ventured a look up at him, her breath hitching in her chest when she saw how close he had come during their mind duel. She could see the dark centers of his eyes; count every mole on his strange and handsome face. She could feel his hot breath. Her eyes flickered to his full mouth and she could tell that he must often bite his bottom lip in concentration.

"You're trying to save me," he said it in a way that sounded somewhere between awe and amusement. "You think you see conflict within me still… but only in the moments when you perceive me to be wounded by your words."

"I made a promise to Master Skywalker and General Organa," she says quickly, trying to excuse a behavior she knew she didn't need to feel ashamed of, but somehow did.

"And your method is to get me _angry_?" He took a step back in shock. He paused as he examined her incredulously, "Surely Skywalker taught you enough of the Force to know that is not how the dark and light work." He leaned his shoulder casually against the wall, still totally undone by the concept.

"I'm not sure exactly what I'm doing," she snapped back, shocking them both with her honesty. "I just know what I see…" She raised her eyes and stared directly into his, her voice steely and resolved "…and I see your fracture."

He was upon her in a moment, looking down on her with every bit of his height and his heavy presence. She knew he wanted her to be intimidated, but instead she squared her jaw, refusing to give him any such satisfaction.

"You know nothing about me," he said in a whisper. A hiss. A threat.

 _A promise,_ his mind corrected her.

"And you know nothing of me," she spat back. Immediately regretting what she knew he would take as a challenge.

"We'll see about that," he smirked before once again invading her thoughts.

This time, she was ready, and she pushed back with all her might.

Colors, sounds, smells, and memories assaulted them both. Neither fully aware whose emotions belonged to who as they ripped into each other's minds.

She saw him as a child, tugging on the fur of his father's best friend; he saw her crying softly into a doll wearing the flight suit of a Rebellion fighter.

She felt the sting of the training droid blasting him in his side while listening to the familiar voice of Master Skywalker chide gently, _Concentrate Ben._

He felt the way the waves crashed around her while she mediated on a rock with his Uncle, trying desperately to lift the seemingly impossible with the Force. _Concentrate Rey._

Ragged breathing and grunting were the only sounds the two could make. Neither was sure who was making what noise.

He saw all her blue.

She saw all his red.

 _I have a mission for you, Ben._ She heard Master Skywalkers voice ring out clearly in his head as she felt the sharp edges of a memory he did not want her to see. _I can do it, Uncle._ So anxious to prove himself. So ready to be a hero…

" _NO_!" He bellowed, pushing her out of that thought with a strength she could not withstand.

Their connection severed suddenly and left them both gasping for air. The Force surrounding them was a whirlwind. The lights in the cell flickered.

After a moment, their eyes met, and the air between them made Rey's head swim with something she'd couldn't quite articulate. She knew he felt it to. His eyes were dark pools and she knew whatever she saw in him at that moment was reflected back at him with equal intensity.

It terrified her.

"He sent you to Snoke," she panted, breaking the silence as she took a step toward him, her shackles having been released sometime during their struggle. She wasn't entirely certain she had been the one to do the releasing.

Everything was quiet and loud at the same time. Her skin felt like fire. Her heart thumped loudly in her ears.

Kylo stepped back away from her, all his beautiful calm composer that he had worked so hard to maintain was crumbling. Every defense he had built against her since their last duel was peeling away like it had never even been there.

 _It's still you._ The thought burst through her and into him. The duality of the statement was not lost on Rey or Kylo.

"He sent you to Snoke," Rey repeated, "thinking you'd be strong enough to resist him. Underestimating Snoke's power… and your… your desire to prove yourself."

Things were clicking into place for Rey in a way that made her simultaneously angry and sad. _You were just a boy._

Rey felt Kylo's anger shift dangerously again, "Don't try and read me, Rey!" His voice was angrier than she had ever heard it. Pure fire.

She had never heard him actually say her name before and it cut through her like a blade. Instead of fear or pity, she began to feel a gnawing desperation she could scarcely contain.

"You don't know the power of the darkside!" He continued, "The light isn't strong enough!"

He left the ' _to defeat Snoke'_ off the end, but Rey felt it anyway.

"That's not true!" She countered, stepping closer to him again; she couldn't keep the imploring from her voice. She reached up to him then, cupping one cheek and trying with all her strength to put everything she was feeling through their connection. "It's not too late for us, Ben!"

The ferocity with which he pulled her to him then didn't surprise her, but the desperation she felt when he smashed their lips together most certainly did.

But only because it equaled her own.

She kissed him back with everything she had, every fiber in her body, every hope for redemption in her blood, every desperate dream that this could possibly last she could conceivably muster.

He felt it and shuttered against her. His mind in turmoil as she began to kiss down his neck, leaving a trail of fire in her wake.

He growled into her ear as he grabbed her by the hips and hoisted her into the air.

She wrapped her legs around him as he slammed her against the wall. She gasped, feeling his hardness pressing into her center. He began biting down her neck and her mind was everywhere and nowhere at once. She opened her eyes long enough to see that the air around them was blue and red in the Force – a swirling of energy more powerful than she had ever seen or felt before.

She rolled her hips against him, and the groan it elicited made her hungrier for him than any starving day she'd ever felt on Jakku. He made quick work of her trousers, pushing aside what he could and tearing impatiently through what he couldn't.

His lips returned her hers as he reached down and touched her wet folds.

She felt more than heard the sound of the metal interrogation chair snap in two.

He stroked her once more and she cried for him. _Ben, please._

He quickly unsheathed himself and, before another desperate plea could be uttered, pushed himself into her firmly.

She cried out and she knew it should have hurt, it should have. He was so large and she hadn't done this much, but the pure desire, _the want_ , he had awakened in her had her craving more and more and more.

He stilled himself and she began to feel frantic. _Don't stop - don't stop – please -_

In her mind she felt him. _Are you…? Can you..?_ He was straining against her. Trying so hard not to just take her with the wild abandon they both knew he wanted.

 _I can take it,_ she nearly screamed at him. _Just don't stop._

And so he thrust. And thrust. And the rhythm was as wild as he was, but her hips caught it as naturally as taking a breath.

Stars were forming behind her eyes and she swore in that moment they were the only two beings in the galaxy.

She was so close – so close, and he was groaning and saying things in her ear she could only vaguely understand. And oh she could feel him through the Force and he was so close too.

And in that moment, as if through primal instinct, they both looked up and locked eyes – finding each other through the Force. He felt her. She felt him.

One more thrust and the orgasm that exploded through the both of them was blinding. They cried out together.

All the bulbs in the cell burst, sending down sparks and shattered glass.

Everything was flashes and heat and red and blue. Rey swore the fire in her blood would consume them both.

They stayed pressed together, breathing pant for pant until the air around them began to cool and calm.

He moved first. Pulling himself from her and setting her down on shaking knees with a gentleness that she didn't know him capable of.

He kissed her forehead and in an instant, Rey knew that everything and nothing had changed.

She grasped him to her, arms so small, but so strong. "Don't." She said, knowing his next move before he'd even made it.

"I have to get you out of here," he says firmly. His deep voice gentler, but no less commanding than earlier. "Snoke is on his way."

"Come with me." She begs. She never begs.

"I can't," he says, and he isn't even trying to mask the regret in his voice anymore.

"Please." She won't cry. She won't.

His rough hands touch her face and his eyes find hers. There is a softness to him now, she sees all the pinpricks of light emanating from his once dark signature. With a panic, she realizes Snoke will see it too.

"You have to come with me," she states firmly, "he'll know and he'll kill you."

His lips curl into an affectionate smile, filled with a sadness and a wistfulness she can't quite place. He kisses her, gently now, with all the tenderness of a lover.

A memory flashes through her mind, one of his that he's sharing with her now…

It's of a little girl with brown eyes and large smile chasing after an older boy with gangly limbs and a mop of black hair. He smiles at the little girl with affection who beams up at him with happiness. _I'll take you as my Padawan when I get back, little Rey. Master Luke says it's fine so long as I complete my next mission._

She breaks the kiss and gapes at him, as memories long forgotten come back to the surface, stored in the back of her mind for so long. She remembers him. She tears up, forgetting an earlier promise to herself.

"I will come for you when I can, Rey," he promises, "but you have to go."

She nods absently in understanding, her body numb and humming all at once.

She doesn't know how they leave the First Order shuttle unnoticed, but they do. She doesn't know how she'll say goodbye to him, but she does.

She leaves the desert world on a freighter and only glances back once to see the sand storming around him from the wind of the propulsion system.

Soon she is in the black of space, far away from the man who would call himself Kylo Ren… but she would always remember as Ben Solo.

 _I'll come back for you._ She promises him through their connection. She feels a warmth spread through her and knows he heard.


End file.
